undone

On top of all of the OTHER stresses I have in my life, there is the FAMILY things that are happening.  One of which is my brother's marriage.  You may ask WHY I have anything to do with this?  I would ask that question as well.


When they were first married, some 20 years ago, they had a HUGE blow up; a fight of EPIC proportions.  And my brother came home to live with my Mom.  He told the story to anyone who would listen.  He told of how HORRIBLE his wife was; and how she had abused their trust, and nullified their marriage vows. In short, he made sure that everyone in the family was ON HIS SIDE of the argument.


And then they got back together.  And the rest of us were left with resentment and bitter feelings.  While they were making sweet love, the rest of us were sucking lemons.  And swallowing.  Ten months later, a sweet angel was born.  She was truly our little miracle. 


It was hard to accept the SIL after everything my brother had shared.  But we did.  She was, after all, the mother of my niece, and my brother's beloved wife.  I have grown to love her as a sister.  She is always there for me.  It would be only natural that she would THINK I would be there for her too.


Except for one thing.


I don't think that married women (or even married men, for that matter) should share the intimate personal details of their marriage (good or bad) with people who are close to them. OK, maybe there are SOME things that CAN BE shared.  BUT... there are some things that should NOT. 

• I don't want to know if my brother is verbally abusive.  THIS is something I cannot fix.
• I don't want to know that his fights with a few of his children have become shoving matches. Shoving matches between a child and a father? THAT is something I want to fix.  Again.  I cannot.
• I don't want to know about him throwing things and breaking things.
• I don't want to hear about him yelling.  or stomping out of the house. or driving off in a rage.
• I don't want to hear that he gets on the phone with a buddy and jokes about his 8 year old son being GAY; joking where the 8 year old can hear him.
• I certainly don't want to know that he interrogates the 18 year old after EVERY date she goes on... asking completely inappropriate and PERSONAL questions about what happened on said date.  For hours at a time.  Is it any wonder that this child doesn't WISH to date anyone?   

I do not think my brother is the only one who has problems. Oh no. I know that my SIL does too.  She is not blameless in all of this.  But to hear my brother tell the story, she is whacked out on drugs (really?), has multiple personalities (looked in the mirror much buddy?) and is generally abusive to all children (this person who runs a Day Care out of her home and is scrutinized by County agencies? OK....).  Yes, she spends too much of their hard-earned money.  I would too, if it gave me a few fleeting moments of pleasure; pleasure that my marriage does not give me. She tells me that he has ALWAYS had these problems.  OK. Then why did you continue to make babies with this man?  Why didn't you RUN from the angry outbursts when you had the chance, some 19 years ago?  Like... BEFORE the babies started coming?

Sadly enough, I am planted firmly in her camp.  And my mother is planted firmly in my brother's camp.  We have agreed to disagree.  Then again, she does not know the THINGS that I KNOW.  When my SIL told me the things listed above (and more... OH SO MUCH MORE), I decided NOT to share them with Mom.  And I forbade HER from sharing them with Mom too.  She cannot take it right now.

And neither can I.  One of the hardest things I have EVER had to do, was look her in the eyes and say, "SIL, I can't hear any of this anymore.  I am too emotionally undone to hear any more of these stories.  I KNOW you need to tell someone; to share the burden with someone.  I am NOT that person.  I cannot be that person right now.  I am sorry.  I just can't."

The look in her eyes nearly killed me.  If I hadn't been on the Lorazepam, I would have crumbled into a puddle and cried.  I could see how hurt she was. Of course I explained what was happening to me.  She understood then.  

She is seeking help as well.  Therapy has been procured for the SIL and the children.  Incidents have occurred where the police have been called.  Child Protective Services has become involved.  A lawyer has been consulted.  My brother will likely be asked to move out. 

My mother knows very little of all of this.

The 8 year old posts to Facebook: "Ugh. Another fight with my Dad. I wish life were easier."

And THAT... undid me.