demons, demands and daydreaming

Where should I begin?

July 2010 was quite possibly the most stressful month of my life to date. At least that's how it felt. Work was extremely busy (which has become the rule and not the exception).  My moods were swinging wildly (not an exaggeration at all).  All I wanted to do was daydream, plan cruises, think about renovations, and play games (can you say ESCAPE from REALITY?).

To put my finger on the WHAT that is making work so stressful is hard.  I have (for the past 5 years or so) always been the person that gets assigned the work that requires more intense thought.  There is more room for error when working on things that are outside of the norm.  I am completely aware of the fact that if errors are made, management will notice.  It's hard to remain calm and confident, when the person requiring your finished product changes his mind daily; or goes on a week's vacation and is unavailable to answer your questions.  It's nearly impossible to create a finished product that is praiseworthy, when the procedures are changed at a moment's notice, and no one tells you.  And when they do tell you, it's too late to do things in a timely manner... your turn-around window is GONE.  *sigh*  I don't expect you to understand.  It's my world.  The world that I live in.  And I need my job.

Most of the time I would tell you that the variety of what I do, is why I like what I do.  Because most of the time ~ I do LOVE what I do.  It is never the same thing over and over.  It's different.  Every day. Most of the time I can handle the fluctuations of the job.  I can handle the snippy comments of those I work with.  I can tolerate the idiocy of the people around me.  This month?  I felt the strings of sanity slipping away. (OK that sounds worse that it really is... I am NOT going insane.)(I hope.)

Bright spot on the horizon?  They WILL be hiring another person.  Soon.  OH MY GOD!  I am so beyond happy about that... I might cry.  Right now.  At my laptop.  I'll probably be the one that gets to do the training.  Hopefully we get a half-way decent processor.  There are a few people in the department that might want to move over to our area. (Should I inflict this pain on someone I like? or warn them away? Tough choice.)

When pushed to the limit on the commuter train; when they tried to shove eleven passenger cars of people into five?  On a hot day? At the end of a long and stressful day?  And I had to stand next to THE MOST OBNOXIOUS woman on this planet we call EARTH? (I know this woman - and I do not like her at all.)  We are packed like sardines and she begins calling, loudly, for the bartender. She was probably three people away from me; far enough away that she could hear me, but not close enough to slug me.  When she said, "Bartender, where's my martini?"  I said (out loud - oh my!), "In your system with the other 4 you finished before you got on this train?"  She turned and said, "What?  What did you say?"  I pretended to not notice her at all.  But when she turned back to the person on her right to make more loud comments, I said aloud, "Lush."  I was shocked and appalled by my behavior.  That's not like Lovely Rita.  That's what sealed it for me.  That is when I knew for sure.

I've been in this place before.  I've been angry and weepy and moody.  It's depression; mild, but depression nonetheless.  I recognize it.  It's trying to take me down.  So far, I am OK.  I recognize what it is... and so far, I am winning the battle.  I am trying to sleep more.  I have improved my diet.  I have even taken some good walks in the evening.  I plan on taking more.  I will beat these demons. And I will probably scream a lot here... and purge my every dark thought.  Or.  I will just talk about what MIGHT be bothering me.  Or.  Both.